On today's review, we'll take a dive into unknown territory that's been more than covered by our good friend Poe many a time. The world of horror has been untreaded by me for a while ever since I saw the nightmare that was Charles Lee Ray terrorize a young boy while being two feet tall, creepy, and carrying around a knife when I was too young to realize how stupid it was in retrospect. However, when horror blends the line of comedy, that's all free game for me to trample on. Today's review being one of those time when I step into the B-Horror genre; WolfCop.
The poster alone should tell you what this movie is all about. Back in the old days of movies shot-on-shiteo there was a sub-genre of "cult hit" movies where despite how bad they are, they simply contained too much awesome to be forgotten or really hated by everyone. Many of these strange movies involve the horror genre; because let's face it, not EVERYONE is going to take a guy wearing a mask/monster costume killing people by decapitating their rubber limbs off seriously. Plus the old school horror movies had the one trope that every teenager/20s human can't resist: the obligatory sex scenes/nudity. WolfCop takes the best of those old school movies, modernizes the tropes, and proves that you don't have to be a good movie in order to be awesome. Though what makes this movie confusing was that it was CANADIAN made. A contradiction if I've ever seen one. Fun drinking game: take a shot for every wolf pun. Let's begin this weird-ass trip known as: WolfCop
After a jarring credit sequence with scenes that won't be in the movie, we get our first look at our main character: alcoholic sheriff Lou Garou (1 shot) waking up from a bad night out and late for the day shift.
As he drives out, the radio explains that the town elections are coming up upon the eve of the "Drink and Shoot" hunting event. If history has proven anything, alcohol and firearms are a far more perfect match than Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey (that piece of shit will have its day). Then again this town is full of rednecks and street punks, so nothing else is new.
Apparently because of his screw ups, the mask wearing robbery gang called the "Piggies" (2 shots) got away again. Tina, his coworker, is the obviously only decent cop in town. He's called away by gunstore owner and local nut Willie over noise complaints; Willie believing the disturbance to be Satan worshipping kids. Lou is dismissive of the entire debacle as just kids hanging around while Willie insists something else is going on.
"Remember the boy who cried wolf" (3 shots)
"Yeah, and the flock was fucked!"
Flock's fucked, town's fucked, whole movie's fucked as far as I'm concerned.
Afterword, Lou decides to spend the rest of his shift going 9 rounds with Jack Daniels at the local tavern owned by red wearing (4 shots) Jessica. Mayor candidate Terry Wallace storms in and tries rallying in some change, but the drunk rednecks are quick to dismiss him. Later that night, Lou is sent to the woods to stop the partying kids again as punishment for his laziness. Once he arrives, things are looking a bit creepy as he can't find anyone...that is until he finds Terry Wallace hanging upside down and is knocked out by three strangers dressed in cloaks and masks.
Lou wakes up the next morning finding his senses all haywire, his facial hair is growing faster than he can shave it, and an upside down pentagram cut into his stomach. A call comes in saying an "incident" happened in the woods. As he walks out, he can even feel sympathy for a small dog kicked by a redneck.
Lou arrives at the scene to find Terry dead, apparently by overdose on heroin injection with suspicious slash marks on his throat (blamed on wildlife). The mayor opts to cancel the Drink and Shoot in light of the man's death in the woods. Tina points out to Lou that its suspicious that the Drink and Shoot was being cancelled, considering the last time it happened was 32 years ago when her and Lou's respective fathers went missing. Lou is once again dismissive.
But, later that evening at the tavern, he's doing some actual police work and notices that the Drink and Shoot is cancelled every 32 years, it seems. Jessica closes the bar early and preps to head home with Lou for some fun, but Lou begins feeling sick as all hell and goes to the bathroom downstairs. Some goons show up and sneak in through the back, clearly after Lou. As it turns out, Lou is starting to change, starting with his- OH GOD WHY I DID NOT NEED TO SEE A FURRY'S DREAM KNOT!!!! Well, at least this movie has shown the naughty bits of a woman AND a man. Exploitation of BOTH genders: the pinnacle of equality.
...Anyway, Lou begins changes completely through practical effects, which in this day and age, is perfectly welcome in this day and age. We don't get a full view, but its clear that Lou has become a werewolf and kills all the goons (Jessica's fate is left up in the air). The next morning, he wakes up to this.
Turns out he is now at Willies, who incapacitated Lou through some knock out darts. Willie lets Lou know that he's a werewolf through sneaking wolfsbane into some food, and that the next few nights until the Solar Eclipse are gonna be dangerous. Lou finally realizes what's going on, and decides to do some research after switching shifts with Tina. He's called back to the bar to investigate what's happened, and finds that Jessica is alive. Apparently he avoided her last night and only harmed the thugs. Downstairs, he is slightly mortified at the blood bath he caused. Tina even finds Lou's discarded face from the transformation.
After switching shifts, Lou goes to the library and beleives a connection between the cancelled Drink and Shoots always being 32 years apart, dissapearances, and sightings of large and vicious animals. The connection is clear, but he doesn't know what exactly happened to him and what's to come. So, he asks a simple question;
"You got any books on devil worship?" Okay, that was hilarious. He finds the book, scans through it, and finally knows what's going down. After meeting with Willie, he breaks it down for him and the audience.
Werewolves are born in this world by the blood sacrifice of another innocent human being, and they're pretty much invincible during the full moon. But, the reason for making a werewolf is actually in preparation for "The Reckoning", a ritual where shapeshifters/changelings spill the blood of the werewolf on its weakest day (solar eclipse) in order to have perfect youth and health for decades. Willie lets Lou know that during the transformation, he was "somewhat" in control since he was drunk.
So apparently the plan is to keep Lou locked up in a cell throughout the night so that he doesn't do anything to anyone outside of the station. Just before things go down, Tina shows up to question what's going on, her motivation, and assures Lou that they are united against whatever the hell is going on. And so, the transformation goes on...
Yeah, not as impressive as I've hoped, but this is a literal million dollar budget and is using little to no CGI; I'll take good practical effects when I can get em. So, fully transformed, what does Lou want? Liquor Donuts and a bottle of Kentucky Bourbon. So what this movie is saying is: so long as you're drunk off your ass, you will have complete control while being a werewolf? Questions for later...
So the two spend their time just playing Go-Fish hilariously, until a phone call comes in saying that the three Piggies are robbing a store. Lou finds a new spark for his duty as a cop, gets out of the cell (rather easily, somehow?) and answers the call to action.
"Lou, you're a wolf...
"...COP!" (5 shots)
Okay this movie suddenly got twice as stupid but twice as fun. Let's see where it goes.
So they show up, take out two of the pigs, and the last one is inside with a shotgun. Lou charges in with a revolver and goes dirty hairy on his ass. Okay, decent action scene. Lou is ready to leave but accidentally tears the door off. He and Willie turn around and see the local autoshop and get an idea.
"I know what you're thinking: and I approve."
Okay, the stupid to awesome ration just went from 1:1 to 1:15. Willie summarizes my feelings: "This is fucking cool!"
Lou decides to start dealing some vigilante justice to people across town while Tina visits Jessica to warn her that she's gonna find out what's going on. A scene leading to nothing.
Meanwhile, a thug leader we've seen in the background a few times shows up at his meth lab barn to smoke some Wonka Cherry Candy Styxs. Lou picks up the scent of the drug lab and drives toward there. As he smashes through the barn, he steps out and starts kicking several levels of ASS. Gunfire is thrown at him but he takes it like a champ as he literally just tears through the bastards with his bear claws. After throwing one loser's head into some of the chemical beakers, the two of them escape just as the entire place blows sky-high. Lou heads back to the station with Willie to find Jessica all dressed up like Red Riding Hood (6 shots; it counts, dammit). And then....
Yeah the movie proceeds to bring out 80% of fairy tale sex-fics on to the big screen. Gross...
After....THAT, the two share a smoke and Jessica lets Lou take a shot of something. Something...that knocks him out. Jessica proceeds to transform into...Mayor whatser face because I forgot she was even in the movie. That just made the previous scene EVEN FUCKING WEIRDER BECAUSE A WEREWOLF JUST FUCKED A CHANGELING.
The next morning, NotJessica turns out to be in-cahoots with Willie as they drag unconscious Lou into a hearse and drive towards the woods. Tonight is the solar eclipse.
Tina spots the two moving Lou around and inspects the station. Through the security footage, she finds out everything from Lou's first transformation to his little "fuzz time" with Jessica. She loads up, and gets ready to save her partner.
The rest of the gang from the barn earlier in the movie show up with their leader, who shapeshifts into the Chief, Lou's boss. And now, the mandatory "explain my evil plan" segment. For 200 years the shapeshifters have controlled the town and cancelled the Drink and Shoot every 32 years in order to have the forest completely empty and devoid of witnesses so that they can create a werewolf prior to the solar eclipse and kill said werewolf for its blood and continue living. Though Lou's only response is oddly appropriate:
"Can't believe I slept with a 200 year old woman..."
"Who said I'm a woman?"
......Legitimate question. Ew....
Tina shows up and starts sneaking her way to a good sniping position. The eclipse comes, Lou transforms, and the changelings start spilling his blood. Just before Willie can take a sip, Tina snipes him out and shoots the chains binding Lou. Wounded, Lou breaks away in order to take out some of the thugs. More glorious gory violence kicks in as Tina and Lou partner up and kill just about everyone else. Tina splits off to fight NotJessica, and just about loses until Lou distracts NotJessica and Tina takes out a revolver to end her wrinkly ass.
Last one standing is Chief and all he has....is a musket. He's fucking serious. A musket. That apparently shoots like a normal gun. Tina is held back by one last thug as Lou, still slightly depowered by the eclipse, gets his ass kicked by Chief. Tina gets loose and impales him with his own sword, but its not enough. Lou gets his revolver and takes aim.
"What are you waiting for?!"
"...A PROMOTION!"
The eclipse passes, and Lou transforms back to normal. He and Tina quietly pack it in to her car and drive off as the sun sets...a calming way to end a climatic movie...
....I'M SOLD
This movie is just...freaking awesome. It's absolutely stupid, but its awesome. It takes all the elements of what made those shitty 80s horror movies great, threw them all into a pot, simmired for an hour and 18 minutes, and let it all spill out in a modern day redneck slash-a-thon. A small break-down of what exactly we witnessed here today.
The practical effects, while not bad and very reminiscent of the olden days of horror fics, are a very welcome change in this world of CGI dominant movies where we can't even have real babies held by Kristen Stewart (granted I'm sure any baby would be traumatized to be held by her). The only CGI are gunbarrel flares and the changelings transforming (worst effect in the movie but hey, that's not the focus).
The dialogue is stupid, but seeing as I grew up with Blue Collar Comedy Tour as the basis of my sense of humor (and I sincerely apologize for that), I found these damn rednecks funny. Not all the jokes hit home, and there's nothing real great about the writing on its own. But hey, the drinking game I suggested came in handy; around the time the wolf comes around you're 6 shots deep and flipping the frak out enough to just laugh and enjoy the stupidity before you. The plot's overly simple but its short enough for you not to care and even surprised me a bit who the changelings were (then again we saw three masked people and there were pretty much ONLY three other characters in this whole stinker).
Its stupid, it's simple, it knows what it is and doesn't care that it sucks. Its...WolfCop, and well worth being on Netflix.
But the TRUE lesson I got from this movie: being an alcoholic can do AMAZING things to you. Onward, to the gas station!
The poster alone should tell you what this movie is all about. Back in the old days of movies shot-on-shiteo there was a sub-genre of "cult hit" movies where despite how bad they are, they simply contained too much awesome to be forgotten or really hated by everyone. Many of these strange movies involve the horror genre; because let's face it, not EVERYONE is going to take a guy wearing a mask/monster costume killing people by decapitating their rubber limbs off seriously. Plus the old school horror movies had the one trope that every teenager/20s human can't resist: the obligatory sex scenes/nudity. WolfCop takes the best of those old school movies, modernizes the tropes, and proves that you don't have to be a good movie in order to be awesome. Though what makes this movie confusing was that it was CANADIAN made. A contradiction if I've ever seen one. Fun drinking game: take a shot for every wolf pun. Let's begin this weird-ass trip known as: WolfCop
 |
| Just a reminding the audience that there will be boobs in this movie |
After a jarring credit sequence with scenes that won't be in the movie, we get our first look at our main character: alcoholic sheriff Lou Garou (1 shot) waking up from a bad night out and late for the day shift.
 |
| Yeah, I felt the same way when I saw the Batman v Superman trailer |
Apparently because of his screw ups, the mask wearing robbery gang called the "Piggies" (2 shots) got away again. Tina, his coworker, is the obviously only decent cop in town. He's called away by gunstore owner and local nut Willie over noise complaints; Willie believing the disturbance to be Satan worshipping kids. Lou is dismissive of the entire debacle as just kids hanging around while Willie insists something else is going on.
"Remember the boy who cried wolf" (3 shots)
"Yeah, and the flock was fucked!"
Flock's fucked, town's fucked, whole movie's fucked as far as I'm concerned.
Afterword, Lou decides to spend the rest of his shift going 9 rounds with Jack Daniels at the local tavern owned by red wearing (4 shots) Jessica. Mayor candidate Terry Wallace storms in and tries rallying in some change, but the drunk rednecks are quick to dismiss him. Later that night, Lou is sent to the woods to stop the partying kids again as punishment for his laziness. Once he arrives, things are looking a bit creepy as he can't find anyone...that is until he finds Terry Wallace hanging upside down and is knocked out by three strangers dressed in cloaks and masks.Lou wakes up the next morning finding his senses all haywire, his facial hair is growing faster than he can shave it, and an upside down pentagram cut into his stomach. A call comes in saying an "incident" happened in the woods. As he walks out, he can even feel sympathy for a small dog kicked by a redneck.
Lou arrives at the scene to find Terry dead, apparently by overdose on heroin injection with suspicious slash marks on his throat (blamed on wildlife). The mayor opts to cancel the Drink and Shoot in light of the man's death in the woods. Tina points out to Lou that its suspicious that the Drink and Shoot was being cancelled, considering the last time it happened was 32 years ago when her and Lou's respective fathers went missing. Lou is once again dismissive.
But, later that evening at the tavern, he's doing some actual police work and notices that the Drink and Shoot is cancelled every 32 years, it seems. Jessica closes the bar early and preps to head home with Lou for some fun, but Lou begins feeling sick as all hell and goes to the bathroom downstairs. Some goons show up and sneak in through the back, clearly after Lou. As it turns out, Lou is starting to change, starting with his- OH GOD WHY I DID NOT NEED TO SEE A FURRY'S DREAM KNOT!!!! Well, at least this movie has shown the naughty bits of a woman AND a man. Exploitation of BOTH genders: the pinnacle of equality.
...Anyway, Lou begins changes completely through practical effects, which in this day and age, is perfectly welcome in this day and age. We don't get a full view, but its clear that Lou has become a werewolf and kills all the goons (Jessica's fate is left up in the air). The next morning, he wakes up to this.
 |
| Sad part is: I know places where a scene like this would sell like hotcakes. |
After switching shifts, Lou goes to the library and beleives a connection between the cancelled Drink and Shoots always being 32 years apart, dissapearances, and sightings of large and vicious animals. The connection is clear, but he doesn't know what exactly happened to him and what's to come. So, he asks a simple question;
Werewolves are born in this world by the blood sacrifice of another innocent human being, and they're pretty much invincible during the full moon. But, the reason for making a werewolf is actually in preparation for "The Reckoning", a ritual where shapeshifters/changelings spill the blood of the werewolf on its weakest day (solar eclipse) in order to have perfect youth and health for decades. Willie lets Lou know that during the transformation, he was "somewhat" in control since he was drunk.
So apparently the plan is to keep Lou locked up in a cell throughout the night so that he doesn't do anything to anyone outside of the station. Just before things go down, Tina shows up to question what's going on, her motivation, and assures Lou that they are united against whatever the hell is going on. And so, the transformation goes on...
Yeah, not as impressive as I've hoped, but this is a literal million dollar budget and is using little to no CGI; I'll take good practical effects when I can get em. So, fully transformed, what does Lou want? Liquor Donuts and a bottle of Kentucky Bourbon. So what this movie is saying is: so long as you're drunk off your ass, you will have complete control while being a werewolf? Questions for later...
So the two spend their time just playing Go-Fish hilariously, until a phone call comes in saying that the three Piggies are robbing a store. Lou finds a new spark for his duty as a cop, gets out of the cell (rather easily, somehow?) and answers the call to action.
"Lou, you're a wolf...
"...COP!" (5 shots)
Okay this movie suddenly got twice as stupid but twice as fun. Let's see where it goes.
So they show up, take out two of the pigs, and the last one is inside with a shotgun. Lou charges in with a revolver and goes dirty hairy on his ass. Okay, decent action scene. Lou is ready to leave but accidentally tears the door off. He and Willie turn around and see the local autoshop and get an idea.
"I know what you're thinking: and I approve."
Okay, the stupid to awesome ration just went from 1:1 to 1:15. Willie summarizes my feelings: "This is fucking cool!"
Lou decides to start dealing some vigilante justice to people across town while Tina visits Jessica to warn her that she's gonna find out what's going on. A scene leading to nothing.
Meanwhile, a thug leader we've seen in the background a few times shows up at his meth lab barn to smoke some Wonka Cherry Candy Styxs. Lou picks up the scent of the drug lab and drives toward there. As he smashes through the barn, he steps out and starts kicking several levels of ASS. Gunfire is thrown at him but he takes it like a champ as he literally just tears through the bastards with his bear claws. After throwing one loser's head into some of the chemical beakers, the two of them escape just as the entire place blows sky-high. Lou heads back to the station with Willie to find Jessica all dressed up like Red Riding Hood (6 shots; it counts, dammit). And then....
Yeah the movie proceeds to bring out 80% of fairy tale sex-fics on to the big screen. Gross...
After....THAT, the two share a smoke and Jessica lets Lou take a shot of something. Something...that knocks him out. Jessica proceeds to transform into...Mayor whatser face because I forgot she was even in the movie. That just made the previous scene EVEN FUCKING WEIRDER BECAUSE A WEREWOLF JUST FUCKED A CHANGELING.The next morning, NotJessica turns out to be in-cahoots with Willie as they drag unconscious Lou into a hearse and drive towards the woods. Tonight is the solar eclipse.
Tina spots the two moving Lou around and inspects the station. Through the security footage, she finds out everything from Lou's first transformation to his little "fuzz time" with Jessica. She loads up, and gets ready to save her partner.
The rest of the gang from the barn earlier in the movie show up with their leader, who shapeshifts into the Chief, Lou's boss. And now, the mandatory "explain my evil plan" segment. For 200 years the shapeshifters have controlled the town and cancelled the Drink and Shoot every 32 years in order to have the forest completely empty and devoid of witnesses so that they can create a werewolf prior to the solar eclipse and kill said werewolf for its blood and continue living. Though Lou's only response is oddly appropriate:"Can't believe I slept with a 200 year old woman..."
"Who said I'm a woman?"
......Legitimate question. Ew....
Tina shows up and starts sneaking her way to a good sniping position. The eclipse comes, Lou transforms, and the changelings start spilling his blood. Just before Willie can take a sip, Tina snipes him out and shoots the chains binding Lou. Wounded, Lou breaks away in order to take out some of the thugs. More glorious gory violence kicks in as Tina and Lou partner up and kill just about everyone else. Tina splits off to fight NotJessica, and just about loses until Lou distracts NotJessica and Tina takes out a revolver to end her wrinkly ass.
Last one standing is Chief and all he has....is a musket. He's fucking serious. A musket. That apparently shoots like a normal gun. Tina is held back by one last thug as Lou, still slightly depowered by the eclipse, gets his ass kicked by Chief. Tina gets loose and impales him with his own sword, but its not enough. Lou gets his revolver and takes aim.
"What are you waiting for?!"
"...A PROMOTION!"
The eclipse passes, and Lou transforms back to normal. He and Tina quietly pack it in to her car and drive off as the sun sets...a calming way to end a climatic movie...
....I'M SOLD
This movie is just...freaking awesome. It's absolutely stupid, but its awesome. It takes all the elements of what made those shitty 80s horror movies great, threw them all into a pot, simmired for an hour and 18 minutes, and let it all spill out in a modern day redneck slash-a-thon. A small break-down of what exactly we witnessed here today.
The practical effects, while not bad and very reminiscent of the olden days of horror fics, are a very welcome change in this world of CGI dominant movies where we can't even have real babies held by Kristen Stewart (granted I'm sure any baby would be traumatized to be held by her). The only CGI are gunbarrel flares and the changelings transforming (worst effect in the movie but hey, that's not the focus).
The dialogue is stupid, but seeing as I grew up with Blue Collar Comedy Tour as the basis of my sense of humor (and I sincerely apologize for that), I found these damn rednecks funny. Not all the jokes hit home, and there's nothing real great about the writing on its own. But hey, the drinking game I suggested came in handy; around the time the wolf comes around you're 6 shots deep and flipping the frak out enough to just laugh and enjoy the stupidity before you. The plot's overly simple but its short enough for you not to care and even surprised me a bit who the changelings were (then again we saw three masked people and there were pretty much ONLY three other characters in this whole stinker).
Its stupid, it's simple, it knows what it is and doesn't care that it sucks. Its...WolfCop, and well worth being on Netflix.
B+
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