The Man with the Iron Fists

Man I suck at this. Introductions a month ago and no actual posts? What an asshole.

So yeah things happened, so that's over. For now, I'm gonna post a mix between an old review I did before joining this and maybe a "newer" review here and there depending how bored I am.

For now, enjoy my first written review: The Man with the Iron Fists

The Man with The Iron Fists was a homage film released by Universal Pictures in 2012; written, directed, and starring The RZA. It also stars famous stars Russell Crowe, Lucy Liu, and WWE Superstar Dave Bautista. The film is described as a tribute to the kung fu movies of the old 80s and the like. So does it accomplish its goal and even be a success? Well considering it’s directed by the co founder of the Wu-Tang Clan with a 15 mil budget (which seems to be meager, apparently) with CG on par with “Birdemic”, we’re in good hands.

The story takes place in Jungle Village, a crappy hell hole of a town run by several animal-themed clans; prominently the Lions. Here lives one of our protagonists, Blacksmith (RZA), who makes weapons for each clan to buy the freedom of his girlfriend from the local brothel, the Pink Blossom. All the while, the governor has a very large amount of gold bullion coming through, and as the Blacksmith puts it: “when it comes to money, things get funny”.

So with the death of the Lion Clan’s leader and now being led by his killer, Silver Lion (Byron Mann), the clan takes the gold for themselves. Now several shady characters gather all for the gold; including the English blood knight Jack Knife (Russell Crowe), the mysterious Poison Dagger (Daniel Wu), the titanic Brass Body (Dave Bautista),  the vengeful Zen Yi/X-Blade (Rick Yune), and the dragon lady Madame Blossom (Lucy Liu).  

So for a basic outline of a story, it seems promising. Plenty of variety in characters all the while played by some pretty decent actors (heck, Bautista even brings a little A-game here).  But if you've seen this thing on IMDb already, then you know that this movie BOMBED badly. A measly 5.4 on IMDb as well as 49% on Rotten Tomatoes, it didn’t go over so well. So where does it fall apart?

Well to start with the most essential part, the story. The majority of the events of this movie is pure plot convenience and very poorly told. RZA narrates and seems to know everything that’s going on in the movie (supposedly through “rumors”). This would be fine if told in past tense, but it’s in present and thus makes it seems as though he knows every detail and doesn't need to explain it. Not to mention somehow knowing every character’s name when meeting them. The series of events in the plot are jumbled, not well explained, and overall just seemed lazily put together as if it were in a rush with rarely any explanation into certain characters’ pasts. Even explanations such as how the heck Brass Body can literally turn to brass and even several plot lines that were addressed but never finished got on my nerves. But the story has some pluses along the lines of interesting twists and cheesiness, although it ends there. The biggest problem is essentially the same one Shyamalan's Avatar had: too much telling, not enough showing. Hell, a lot of the deleted scenes in the bonus features were better ways to exposite the plot (minus one helluva STUPID scene with Russel Crowe just...sneaking around).

Now for the more “entertainingly” bad aspect of this movie: the acting. EVERYONE in this movie is just in love with their roles and going all out over the top and cheesy. Russell Crowe seems more than happy to hang out at the local brothel and screw around all the while shredding up fat people with a knife/gun/saw/projectile/…thing. The highlight of the movie has to go Byron Mann playing Silver Lion. Every single movement he makes is pure cheese and it is glorious how over the top he gets from hyena-like laughter and zany phrases; pure gold.

…..That was an attempt at a pun. Sigh, this is why people say I shouldn't be a comedian. Anyhow everyone’s bringing some fun into this; that is except for the main character/director/writer: RZA/Blacksmith. He’s always mumbling, rarely expresses any kind of emotion, hardly moves when he’s in a scene, and brings down the movie a whole lot considering he’s the main hero of this bloodbath. Even worse, watching some of the deleted scenes without microphones, he’s barely loud enough to be picked up and understood at all; leading me to believe that every line he spoke in the movie was recorded in a carpet-lined booth. He’s even out done by the extras in the movie, who are all over the freaking place and say each and every line with a touch of wacky. His only "emotion" was when he gets his damn arms chopped off (its called Man with the Iron Fists for a reason; don't cry about spoilers). 

And for the biggest part of this movie, considering its goal: the action. The action scenes in this movie are PHENOMENAL. Rarely CG used at all, it seems to be all wire-work and just CG for blood’s sake. Even the practical gore effects aren't terrible (when a guy isn’t already bleeding before he gets his neck split open). But any movie that lets Batista powerbomb someone TO DEATH gets a plus from me.  But that’s the thing, the actions scenes get a little TOO goofy. At one point two actors are fighting in a manner that needs one to twirl the other like a staff and shoot a gun strapped to their leg and the physics is Chun-Lee helicopter impossible. And Zen-Yi’s suit of armor? Has blades EVERYWHERE to the point where’s he’s a walking pin cushion that can shoot ‘em too. And it’s pretty obvious where the wire work is when an actor can somehow jump from a column to another while doing ballerina twirls (thank you, Byron Mann). And once again, the weakest part of this aspect is the RZA, who’s fighting style boils down to “put up your dukes” punching and using the same move 3 times (effective, but lazy) to disable a couple of asshole's weapons.

Overall, the movie is lazy, the special effects are bad, the acting is corny, the plot is crap, and just plain painful to watch as a whole.

So…it accomplished the goal? The entire point of the movie was to pay homage of the famous fung-fu movies of RZA’s youth, such classics as Five Deadly Venoms, Enter the Dragon, and so on. One could argue that the point of the movie was to capture the aura of those films. And really, it kind of succeeds. Over the top fighting concepts, impossible weapons, even the crappy CG effects fits in the tone. I will fully admit to never watching these kind of movies, my only experience in the genre being "Kung Pow: Enter the Fist". 

However, it doesn’t excuse it entirely. In the olden days, these were amazing and awesome. To a certain group today, it still is, but not most (hence the poor box office reception). 

The biggest problem I had with this movie is that it tried to fit so much in just 108 minutes. Though the most likely reason for that was the original cut of the movie was FOUR BLOODY HOURS. RZA had planned to release it as a film and then a sequel, but just as how DC comics suck now, Executive Meddling got in the way and RZA was talked into just the standalone film itself. A sequel bait scene was even filmed with the kidnapping of Zen Yi’s wife by a clan of flying warriors dressed as falcons, keeping her in a bird cage atop of a mountain with guards flying over her.

…Settle on that image for a bit.

So, in conclusion, how does it hold up?

Well it depends overall on the perception of the viewer. Me personally; I LOVED the movie. It was the right kind of corny and bad to where it was still enjoyable and makes good laughing material whenever around friends. Though if you’re looking for a more immersive and deep film, this probably won’t be for you and never will be.

Then again I could just be talking out of where the sun don’t shine, but hey, it’s an experiment.  Everything has a pass and fail. I’m not exactly a scholar; just a bored guy with a laptop and a lot of movies.

So that was my first review. Kinda different from Poe's style I'm sure, but hey it was my first. 

Anyhow, next review should be within the next week or so.