Godzilla: 2000

Godzilla....does this introduction need anything else?

Godzilla: one of Japans most recognizable practical gods. Dude's been around for more than 50 years now, making it one of the longest running film franchises in history. And can you blame it? It's giant monsters beating the hell out of each other and getting Japan utterly rekt in every film.

So the new millennium was right around the corner and movies everywhere were taking advantage of the occasion to make a film about the unknown future or just used the number 2000 for something cool. It seems Toho was no exception. So then we got Godzilla 2000. This film was meant to start off the new millennium with a reboot; ignoring all other films that have come before it and establishing a new canon to be known in the future as the Millennium Series. The franchise came to a near close, however, in 2004 when the last Toho Godzilla movie Godzilla: Final Wars was released and Toho stated they would not produce another Godzilla movie for another 10 years. Toho even demolished the water stage on its lot that was the site for many Godzilla and other kaiju and tokusatsu based movies and shows. Come ten years later and we've got Godzilla made by Legendary, but that's for another time.

The biggest detail about this movie in particular is that when released, Sony's TriStar division released the film in America after dubbing the lines, re-working the sound, and among other alterations. Apparently, the English release was so impressive, Toho wasn't afraid to release a majority of VHS and DvDs with said English dub and alterations. Unlike the weaboo trash out there that keeps killing the American anime market, I like English dubs. But this movie? Good lord there are no excuses...

Let's just say having a Cambodian-American actor say "Nice try, asshole", spoken by a Japanese man in a Godzilla movie is not exactly something that settles with me.

Let's not talk this crapfest any more: let's get started.

Our film opens up on a father and daughter, Yuji and Io Shinoda, setting up surveillance equipment while a reporter named Yuki Ichinose (played by Naomi Nishida, voiced by Denise Iketani) cleans her camera in their van. A subtitle reveals that these are members of the Godzilla Prediction Network, a nationwide group of scientists who track and study Godzilla. The monitors reveal that Godzilla will be appearing soon.

At a nearby lighthouse, a guard is overlooking the area from the top and sees a boat floating in front the lighthouse. A camera pan reveals that the boat is contained in the jaws of the eponymous Godzilla. The guard runs from the lighthouse as Godzilla begins advancing and nearly survives a collapsing electrical tower.

Godzilla soon begins his rampage, walking through the city as residents of the area are running away and hiding from the destruction.

The GPN crew drives through and comes across a tunnel, narrowly avoiding a small landslide. Shinoda (played by Takehiro Murata, voiced by Francois Chau) drives over the debris and continues through and enters the tunnel. As they reach the end, the entire road is wiped out and he hurriedly slams on the brakes. He aims the van’s lights up to see Godzilla standing where the road used to be. He shuts off the lights as Godzilla leans over to inspect. Yuki holds up her camera, attempting to take a picture before being stopped. Once Godzilla gets close enough to breathe on the car, she snaps several photos at Godzilla in a panic, the flashing enraging him enough to cause Godzilla to pursue them. Shinoda turns the van around and begins driving away.

Meanwhile at a party, a man in a suit interrupts another's talk to inform him of a strange meteor they found on the ocean floor. The two leave, heading out. The taller man orders for the meteor to be brought to the surface as soon as possible.

Back to the rampage, Godzilla is trouncing through Japan as residents are terrified and continue to run away. Godzilla eventually reaches a power plant and knocks out the electricity throughout the entire area. The van stops and our protagonists step out to watch Godzilla as he destroys the power plant. Shinoda speculates that Godzilla is purposefully targeting their energy sources.

At the same time, off shore, a small submarine is observing the aforementioned meteorite and setting up several devices around it. The meteorite has a distinct circular hole on the upper right side.

The following morning at Yuki’s office, she learns the photos she took were useless due to the radiation on Godzilla’s body thawing out the film (this was the era BEFORE digital cameras. Get over that culture shock, kids). 

Yuki heads over to Shinoda’s house to request another ride around to get photos of Godzilla. Io (played by Mayu Suzuki, voiced by Rachel Crane) hands her a contract that she needs to sign. Yuki raises hell about the fee; 200,000 Yen a month plus 50,000 a month. The daughter defends the price thoroughly, but Yuki says she isn’t interested in joining, just wanting to take photos. The daughter offers an alternate contract: half off the fees if Yuki agrees to share expenses.

Over to a building in the city, subtitles revealing it as the “Crisis Control Intelligence Headquaters”, The two men are speaking, and the assistant named Shiro Miyasaka (played by Shiro Sano, voiced by Jack Ong)  is describing the meteor’s properties and the possibility of a new form of energy to his boss from earlier.

At said meteor underwater, several balloons are inflated and slowly begin lifting the meteor from the surface. However, the meteor begins lifting itself of its own accord, popping the balloons. Within seconds, the meteor has reached the surface, settling in the water and no longer moving.

At Shinoda’s home, dinner is almost ready before another Godzilla sighting is reported by one of his colleagues. The two begin to head out as Yuki soon joins them.

Back to the meteor, Miyasaka goes over that they cannot dig into it without reaching a surface and estimate its age as 60 million years old and may be hollow, seeing as it is buoyant despite its massive size. Jokingly, he remarks that it may be a vessel because of that. The boss receives a call telling him of Godzilla’s newest sighting.

Shinoda’s colleague on the phone reveals that Godzilla is heading toward a nuclear power plant. Katagiri orders the plant to shut down all of its reactors to avoid a nuclear fallout from Godzilla’s rampage. Shinoda’s group parks near the plant as a helicopter does the same nearby. Shinoda explains that the boss stepping out of it is named Mitsuo Katagiri (played by Hiroshi Abe, voiced by Ron Yuan) and is head of the beforementioned CCI. Shinoda and Katagiri exchange “pleasantries” but quickly get into an argument over what to do with Godzilla: research him or kill him. Shinoda even admits that Godzilla must be contained (his reason behind creating the Network), but he is worth it. Katagiri is pulled away by a general sent to assist him.

As the sun rises and the meteor soon begins rises from its place, pointing toward the sky, tilting itself toward the sun.

The Japanese army begins mobilizing multiple tanks and other weaponry nearby Godzilla’s predicted landing point and assume attack positions. At a nearby campsite, the general breaks down the situation and their plan to attack Godzilla, and hopefully kill him off. Their ace in the hole is a new armor piercing missile.

Soon enough, Godzilla slowly surfaces and begins walking on the land and heading toward the nuclear plant. The army sends out several dozen helicopters to fire rockets with hit-and-run tactics and draw Godzilla away. Godzilla becomes agitated, and begins walking toward the direction of the helicopters. The tanks begin firing at Godzilla, slightly hurting him enough to move change direction again and head toward the tanks. However, his walk leads him to a very large pond, which was laced with sea-mines. The new missiles are fired, and injured Godzilla severely enough to shed scales everywhere.  More are soon fired at Godzilla’s legs, and soon his entire body is hit all over with the missiles.

The meteor, meanwhile, continues changing it’s direction and angling toward the sun. From the meteor’s POV, it zooms in and scans the humans on the assistant’s boat straight down to their DNA. It lifts itself from the water entirely, and begins flying away.

Godzilla is still taking hits from the missiles and even attacked by jets. The assault is interrupted as the meteor arrives and heads toward Godzilla. The meteor hovers just above Godzilla and the two stare each other down. The meteor scans Godzilla next, and the small hole on it begins lighting up and fires a ray blast that sends Godzilla several hundred feet away and on the ground. Godzilla gets back up and begins charging his nuclear breath as the meteor charges another attack. The two shoot each other, the beams hitting one another. Godzilla is sent back into the ocean while the meteor is damaged and several layers of the rocks are blown off, revealing a silver metal shell.

At the beachhead of Godzilla’s landing, Shinoda goes into one of his footprints and begins looking for anything to research on Godzilla.

The meteor has landed in a far off harbor, angled toward the sun once more. But cloud cover prevents the sun from reaching it. At a meeting, Miyasaka is revealing that the meteor draws its power from the sun, and was dormant for all these millions of years because it landed in the ocean long ago.

Shinoda all the while is analyzing a scale of Godzilla, but finds that the technology he has is not enough to analyze it. Katagiri and the army have begun making preparations to contain the ship and scan it for what could be inside. Shinoda calls the site, asking for help and using their equipment. Shinoda picks up Yuki and heads over to the site. Yuki opens her laptop and sees that it turned on by itself and info is being pulled through it. Katagriri and Shinoda agree to let Shinoda use their equipment as long as he shares their data and abides by their rules. Yuki opens her laptop again sees that her computer strangely looked through and collected her entire database on Godzilla.

Shinoda shows two scans of Godzilla’s DNA, one after the attack and the other photo 5 hours later. The first photo shows damage, while the second shows Godzilla’s cells completely healed. Further analyzing, they see Godzilla’s cells regenerating as they’re observing it. They soon realize that Godzilla’s healing properties are astounding, and name this property “Regenerator G1”. They even theorize that Godzilla’s cells could revolutionize modern medicine. The two mull over why Shinoda left, who claims that the work got too unethical. Io arrives soon with discs containing their data, but Miyasaka grabs the discs from them.

The following morning, the meteor escapes the electromagnetic cables and begins flying off again, shaking off all of the rocks on its body. The body is now a completely silver and slim ship. This time it lands on Yuki’s office building, looking high over the city.

Katagiri orders the tower and all buildings within a five mile radius be evacuated. At another meeting, Katagiri and several military and DIET members gather and resolve to destroy the ship tonight. Night falls, and civilians have gathered far away watching the ship and hoping for something to happen. Yuki sneaks through and finds her way back into the building, seeing that all computers in it are gathering information on Godzilla. The CCI turns on thermal scanners and see tentacles from the ship entering the building, showing it to be hacking it and every computer in Tokyo and stealing data.

Yuki calls Shinoda and informs him where she is and doesn’t plan on leaving until she finds out why the ship wants info on Godzilla. Shinoda drives over as fast as he can as several dozen Japanese soldiers are moving a few advanced bombs to the highest floor; just beneath the ship. The bombs are set, and are scheduled to go off in ten minutes. Shinoda runs his way through the guards with Io and enter the building. They find Yuki, and Shinoda sends Yuki and Io back down while he uses her laptop to find out what the alien is looking for.

Katagiri is informed that Shinoda is still in the building, but proceeds to detonate the bomb regardless. Yuki and Io turn around quickly, driving back to the tower to try and save Shinoda.

The bombs go off, and show no damage to the ship. In retaliation, the ship sends a pulse through the building, destroying each and every floor along the way. Yuki and Io enter the building, but reach a dead end and assume the worst. Behind them, Shinoda pulls away a floor panel and jumps out. Io and Shinoda share a tearful hug. The trio head to a balcony on a nearby building where Katagiri is stationed and see through Yuki’s laptop that the alien is planning to convert Earth’s atmosphere to be more suitable. As for why it is so interested in Godzilla, it was interested in its Regenerator G1 cells to take on a new physical form.

Out of the nearby bay, Godzilla rises out of the ocean and begins advancing through the city toward the ship. Shinoda and Katagiri do not move or make any precautions for his arrival: they both know that Godzilla is here for the ship. Godzilla arrives and challenges the ship. The ship first ascends, and then rapidly drops on another, shorter building. Tentacles from the ship reach out of the ground and wrap around Godzilla and begin dragging him across the city. Godzilla charges another nuclear breath, burning off a few of the tentacles wrapped around his back and mouth and fires another blast at the ship, damaging it. It flies toward Godzilla, but is smacked with his tail. It recovers and hovers above him. The ship fires another blast, sending Godzilla through another building and on the ground. Godzilla stands back up, but the ship firs another series of pulses on a taller building and sends it crumbling on top of Godzilla, burying him.

The ship sends out more invisible tentacles and thermal scans showing it using said tentacles to take some of Godzilla’s Regenerator G1 cells and begins taking a solid form below the ship.  The newly formed liquid sphere takes a new, octopus-like shape. It continues morphing, landing on the ground and hiding. Godzilla rises from the debris, pissed off and ready for round three. With another nuclear breath, the ship is blown in half. From below the ship’s debris, emerges a new creature. Now standing before Godzilla was a twisted clone of itself: Orga (not named in film).

The two soon enter a close combat fight, Godzilla showing dominance over Orga’s size and speed. Orga kneels over and fires another laser blast, sending Godzilla into another building. Godzilla’s spikes trap him in the building. The front half of the ship hovers over and Orga charges another bream as Godzilla free himself. But Orga jumps away, diverting Godzilla’s attention as the ship flies and hits Godzilla in the head. Godzilla charges a nuclear breath and fires, but the ship gets in the way and takes the shot, the bam going through and burning through a corner of ORga’s flesh. But Orga begins regenerating the wound. Godzilla charges in and sweeps Orga’s legs, pounding him with the tail over and over. Orga stands back up and the two continue their claw-to-claw fight. Orga chomps on Godzilla’s arm, and starts taking more of Godzilla’s DNA.

Godzilla gets free and fires another breath, damaging Orga again. However, Orga begins regenerating again. Another nuclear breath blast and Orga is damaged to mere charred flesh. Orga walks over, and opens his mouth, revealing a small flap and expanding his mouth even further. Godzilla dives in, and Orga begins swallowing Godzilla. AS Godzilla gets deeper down Orga’s throat, Orga begins looking closer and closer like Godzilla. But Godzilla charges his entire body and fires one last devastating nuclear breath, destroying Orga from the inside and exploding. Orga’s remains fall over and hit the ground, too damaged to regenerate.

Godzilla lets out a victorious roar. Godzilla has won and has saved the world from Orga.

Godzilla, strangely enough, starts walking toward the balcony. Everyone begins running back inside the building, but Katagiri stays put. Shinoda runs over to pull Katagiri away, but Katagiri punches and shoves Shinoda aside.  Katagari challenges Godzilla, but is killed when Godzilla slams his claw through the building and sends Katagiri plummeting to his death.

Godzilla walks away, heading back toward the bay he came from.

The remaining characters speculate over what exactly Godzilla is doing. Even though Godzilla and the humans are constantly trying to kill each other, he still protects them. Shinoda theorizes that Godzilla protects them because “there’s a little Godzilla inside each one of us”.

This movie....is honestly not great. What didn't help was the fact that the only copies I couldn't find a version of the movie that was just Japanese with subtitles that didn't cost a dick and a ball. So I had to sit through the English altered version. The biggest reason why Toho approved the English version, from what I could find, was that the script had a far more tongue-and-cheek and comedic tone than the original and helped not to take the film too seriously.

While I can get behind the thought process behind it, I just can't get into it.

It's just so awkward hearing some gems like these said in a Japanese Godzilla movie:

"As long as the beer is cold; who cares?

"Ohhh bite me! Arrrgghhh!"

"Eh, quit your bitchin’." "Pain in the ass!"

"Sharing expenses my ass! Well I sure as hell ain’t paying for gas!"

"Bastard; you really think you can kill Godzilla?"

"…it’ll go through Godzilla like crap through a goose!"

"(collective) HOLY CRAP!"

"Gott in himmel! (GERMAN FOR FRAK'S SAKE)"

"Great Cesar’s Ghost!"

"Nice try, asshole!"

I've heard raunchier stuff in Japanese movies, believe me. But, it's still just...I dunno..."weird" to me to hear these lines in a Japanese movie. The decision was made by the American release's papy, Michael Schlesinger, who approved the quotes out of homage to the old Godzilla American dubs which included such phrases. While I appreciate the sentiment, it just doesn't sit well. I mean hell, Toho approved it for helping not take the movie so seriously. This is Japan, after all. The same folks who created Hentai Kamen 

(review pending)

What isn't helping is the acting. While the Japanese actors all did a fine job, the dub actors just aren't great. Big highlight thought has to go to Ron Yuan as Katagiri. The man knows he's evil and relishes it it. Just can't help but like actors who take that approach. 

The story is honestly nothing fantastic. It had A LOT of potential, but it's more or less just clumsy. I'm sure there were several details missing in the English dubbing that would've helped the story, but as is, it's just boggling. What kills me is that 2000 was meant to be a "reboot" of the Godzilla franchise, re-introducing the Kaiju King and his mythology. However, the film starts us off with Godzilla already known by the Japanese government and two organizations dedicated to tracking him. Perhaps the idea was that since Godzilla is already so well known by the viewers of Japan, that reintroducing him would be redundant, but I'm just theorizing here.Another issue with the story is its' inconsistency. The characters mention all the time that Godzilla is a walking radioactive minefield and he poisons every place he goes, yet Shinoda had no issue going into a footprint Godzilla made just a few minutes ago. Most likely it's my own lack of knowledge of science, but usually radiation is rather simple. Got radiation? You got a few months. Take care. Bye-bye then. 

Then there was that moment Godzilla killed Katagiri. I suppose since Godzilla is TECHNICALLY a protector of his territory, I'm curious how he knew this one little insect was the man leading the charge to kill him. About 8 mins of the film were removed in the dub release, and maybe it was explained there, but I doubt it. Also, "there is a piece of Godzilla in all of us". Really? Had to pull that one out of your ass? Man's just protecting his territory; you're essentially somewhere between renting the place or being those annoying legion of ants in the house that keep showing up no matter how many times you spray ant killer. Don't kid yourselves. You're lucky he didn't fry the whole building for shits and giggles. The film ends with him burning a circle in the city, reminding you and everyone else that he owns this bitch, and you better start setting up those giant replica statues. 

".....You're fucking with me, aren't you?"

Biggest plus has to go to the effects of the film. What I loved about the Godzilla movies was that Godzilla was live action; a man in a suit. but the filming, effects, and camera angles made it seem as though he was actual size. In an age where CGI dominates movie effects, some live action effects are well welcomed. I especially like the design of the G-Man himself this time around. Really menacing, and overall a sight to behold. 

Despite how much I'm bashing this movie, I do have a favorite I have to mention. My favorite scene was the moment Godzilla came out of the ocean and began walking toward Orga's ship to fight. The tone for the fight is set as Godzilla's signature theme begins playing in the background. Shinoda even mentions that "there's only one thing on Godzilla's mind right now". Godzilla's theme music is one of my favorites, just about topping One Winged Angel, being that amazing combination of dread and excitement. The theme as a whole has parts that go between making you think that it belongs to someone you should either fear and run away from, or watch in awe as he walks through your world with no fear of you or anything you can do. 

In summary: this movie is not that great. In addition, I don't think the original Japanese edit would've helped the situation any. I can only recommend this movie to hardcore fans of Godzilla and not to casual viewers. The biggest plus side to this movie: writing this review has given me incentive to add a Godzilla figure to my army and making my own stop motion Godzilla movie and make what Toho needs to start up again: Godzilla vs Gundam.